Random Wor(l)ds

I smell the stained coffee grounds as I sit this morning and begin to gather my thoughts.  Not a whisper to be heard; so non-reminiscent of the rest of my day.  I've find solace in the morning hours, typically between 5 & 6am.  Solace...peace....joy...if only for 60 mins worth of distant wonder.

[thought change]

Life has changed over the years; I guess I'm no different in that respect than anyone else.  As I sit here, yearning for a coherent thought, of the millions swirling my head early this am, I can't seem to focus on one to put pen to paper to.

I do miss the days of wrinkled shirts or random meeting posts, where I found myself able to get my thoughts out more clearly.  I feel as this juncture in life there are so many thoughts, so many hats to where, so many fires to put out and clearly not enough time.  It's difficult, I must say.  I'm sure there is some balance in life whereby each individual is able to find there nirvana....where all things align or work out or come together.  I've found it before, lived in it and by means of circumstance or choice, lost it and started over.  I yearn to find it again at this stage of life.

[thought change]

My daughter saw death this week, Monday to be exact.  A family member "went to God" (as I tell her), and unfortunately (or fortunately) we got to the house just as the coroner exiting the house, minus the soul.  I pulled her close and reminded her that God is our Father and that at some point He calls us home.  So her aunt  went to see God, along with other family members I began to rattle off.  She understood, I believe; but I also believe her little soul began to process death much more internally.

Which brings me to last night.  Just before her shower, she ran into my arms, looked up at me with the most loving eyes a 4 year old can have and simply said, "Daddy, Don't Die".  I bent down, met her eye to eye, holding back the tears from her request, and simply said "Daddy isn't going anywhere."

I firmly believe there was and still remains a message in that conversation, deeper than her request.  Life, right now, is about the roughest it's been in my life.  Seems like each day brings with it some new hurdle, both self and universe inflicted.

I struggle, just like anyone else.  And as the sun begins to rise on this day, the chatter begins to mount, I switch hats, as most fathers do; and realize the world, or rather my world needs me.  I can't die.  I shouldn't give up.  I must find a way.  But there is no crescendo of music in my thought.....I can only think of laying one brick at a time.