Eating me from the Inside...

because I keep thinking to myself, can my life get any worse. I really feel as though I am at the lowest of lows. [* I wish this was one of those posts where I attempt to speak metaphorically about someone else, and try to blend it in with my own feelings, but unfortunately....it isn't*] I am so disgusted with so much in life right now. I know, I know, I know....we aren't suppose to lose faith, hope, or our sanity......but at this point in my life, I am nearly losing two of the three, and faith alone is keeping me standing. I know many of you who will come across this page might find it a bit too direct, but I have to get this off of my chest trully, before I lose hope...and...my sanity.

Deep down inside, I swear it feels as if I am going to implode. I use to write about being inside a dark room, with no light, and frantically screaming to the world, but no one hears.......now.....now....I just wanna clam up, close down, and really Emerson everything in life. Things are just that bad now. I know that we are suppose to look to the good things in life to give us strength, but I'm drained...so drained.

[opening heart]
I desire a lot, but I have little
My heart, my mind, my love, and My God
I have the strongest of roots, but in evaluating myself....there are no fruits
God has given me the will to hold on, and I promise (myself), that is the only thing that I can put my faith in
I have no peace, no happiness, no joy, no nothing from this world

And maybe its God showing me that all I need is Him
But it hurts
Not like one of those, Guys aren't suppose to hurt, so we suck it up and keep it inside....nooo
This hurts like your soul being consumed with poisonous snakes, and everytime you toss one off,
another bites you in a different place of your soul (in life)
I have no idea what purgatory feels like, but if its anything worse that what my soul feels now,
Then I know I don't wanna go there.

I'm so discontent with everything surrounding my life...except me.
Its really confusing though, cause 9 times out of 10, I'm wondering if I need to change/grow me?
But then, I'm doing good things...I'd do anything in the world for anyone.
But for some reason...I always...and I mean always get the tail end of the stick.
And what makes it worse is the fact that I try to be a good person.
[closing heart]

As crazy as it sounds, I wish I could contribute it to something....whether it be sinful in nature or not...but something. While I was typing this MJ instant messaged me and I begin to tell him about it, before he had to leave and go to class......anywho, he says that I should ask God for understanding....so my last IM before he LEFT was that I asked God for simplicities in understanding His Will. If you guys can recall to my post last friday.

So here I sit....alone...frustrated...feeling as though the ceiling is drawing nearer and nearer. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but it seems like the snowball keeps gaining more mass.

I feel like everytime I try to find something to hold the ceiling up and keep it from falling, the object I use...breaks........there has to be a trap door around here somewhere.......I surely hope and pray that God is watching down on me now, cause I really need Him.......I really do.......I can't DO life alone....I don't have the means...

Alone

Lying, Thinking, Last night
Trying to find myself a home
Where my soul is without thirst
and my heart...without moan.
I've learned one thing
And my emptiness proves I'm not wrong
That nobody
But nobody
Can make it out here alone

Alone..yes alone
maybe like the rest of society
I lay here all alone

I don't know others
but I know my heart lones
for joy in the morning
happiness in the night
and peace of mind, no one can clone
Cause nobody
But no body
Can make it out here alone

Alone, yes alone
Maybe like the rest of society
I lay here all alone

Now if you listen closely
You'll hear what I hear
The breathe of a single soul
The intellected thoughts of a man
whose feelings are getting cold
A man whose suffering from a suffication of frustration
A conglamoration of thoughts
That has led him to become God's Patient

Patient for purpose, life, and peace
So as the frail night falls
and the morning dew rises,
He'll have someone there...to call...because

Nobody...no nobody
Can make it out here alone.

KJD - 11.18.04

"God...I still....need a miracle"