It's been calling me for quite a few hours now. The call to exhale all the emotions that I have inhaled over the past weeks or so. I honestly believe that it took BM's CD to get me to sit down and get away from it all to get my emotions under control so that I may be able to express them with clarity, yet and still, that I still may not accomplish, but here goes.
Life actually hasn’t been going bad at all. So I mustn’t attribute my absence to that. I don’t really have an actual “thing” to attribute it to. Maybe since school has started back, or maybe it’s the new job that has taken most of my time….putting it 10 and 11 hrs a day. That might have done it. But that’s neither here nor there. Nor is it my purpose or reasoning for coming to write tonight.
You see my folx came into town yesterday, and we had a great time. Watched the Falcons game today, wish they’d won, but I had a great time with them though, including my nephew ZD. But as great as that was, that still isn’t the reason that I came here….
After they left this evening, instead of doing the normal….playing playstation, or watching television, or surfing the net….I decided to finish washing a couple of loads of clothes, and iron my clothes for the week. I use these time to “get away from it all” to somewhat analyze more about KJD. It’s quiet around the house, with the exception of maybe some BM or Musiq or Kindred…which ever suits the mood. Tonight, I think it was the BM that really hit the spot. And so as I begin to drift into my thoughts, ambitions, goals, endeavors of life, my spirit led me to gain understanding about why I do some of the things I do. I guess it’s kind of like being your own worse critic. See here’s the thing…
It’s about Love! And heir to is my progression into it. It begin with me not having a clue about what Love truly was, and hence I use to supplement other things for it, feeling as though they’d take any misunderstood pain away. But I fell short, way short, because I didn’t know love, I didn’t have a clue what and how to let it control me, more or less embrace it. Which was when I really felt lost to a large degree….well not really felt lost, but “was” lost, and never knew it because I was so stuck in trying to find a substitute, or better yet….a solution to the emptiness that I didn’t know Love could fulfill.
Then throughout a process of learning, I met Love…..embraced love, felt love, and begin to “know” love. He taught me how I should live life, love life, and grow in love, so that I may live this life more abundantly. I really feel like the past few months have really taught me that I must Love, Love first, and then I’ll know how to use Love, to Love, the Love, that Love brings into my life.
Ok, now here is where I stand in my walk with Love letting it bring forth its fruit into my life, in essence where the rubber meets the road. You see, I seesaw with whether or not I have the capacity of harnessing the fruit of love. Sometimes I feel like I am climaxing and am ready to take on the responsibility of the fruit of the Love of my life.
(Sorry for the stream of conscious, but my mind is really going tonight). Lately, I’ve fallen into some of the strangest situations possible. I’m maintaining, and have been for quite some time now. I think the strangest, and quite possibly the greatest occurred Friday night. I went out on a date with this woman. We got to the restaurant around 5pm. We ate, and had a wonderful conversation. You see I’ve known this person for about 2 or 3 weeks now, but I never knew she had feelings, so we went out just as “friends”…….honestly. Well we finished eating around 5:45, but we didn’t get up from the table till 7 at the earliest. The conversation was quite amazing! Afterwards we went outside, sat in the car and talked more for another hour or so. We really expressed ourselves to each other which was a great thing….but the greatest of them all, which had nothing to do with physical emotions or thoughts there of. I remember looking over, and in the midst of conversing with her, I saw her soul through her eyes! I saw all the emotions that were within! I don’t think she realized it, or maybe she saw my soul, and all that dwells within it….I dunno. But I guess the thing that makes this situation strange is that we both know that we can’t be with each other…….as much as we both know we want to! Now try that one on for size with me and my walk with Love.
It’s quite tough, meeting someone, enjoying their company, and knowing that you can’t be with that person. I think we’ll maintain our friendship. But being able to see within a woman’s soul is a new non-negotiable. I really wish others could experience that, so that as you guys read this, you will really “know” where I’m coming from.
Well its getting late, and I feel a sense of accomplishment, scratching the surface of so much that I intend on getting out in the coming days. I plan on blogging more in the coming weeks, some stuff you guys may like, and some you may not…..but I’ve got to get it out!
So for another 24 hrs…..stay blessed!
KJD
[KJD] ß God insert miracle here!
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