Pouring it Out.

Lord I swear to you that I'm listening.  I guess that's about the best way I can start of the new year.  Maybe it was because I proclaimed too early that 2015 was my Jesus year (age 33) and didn't fully realize what I was getting myself into.  However, God allowed quite a bit to transpire in the last 365 days or so.  So much so that I can honestly say for the first time in my life; I'm surprised that I'm still alive, both physically and mentally.  Whether it's the gray hairs that seem to exponentially multiply on a weekly basis, or the increased blood pressure.  Maybe it's the droopiness under my eyes that pronounces itself to anyone that I meet.  As I sit here this mid-morning and spill my thoughts onto this empty space I'm beginning to wonder if a) what's been inside me for a while is beginning to show on the outside or b) the old adage of "if it doesn't kill you...."  Either way, as I stated several lines ago....Lord I swear to you that I'm listening.

My mind wonders, often.  Like the first and last sentence of the above paragraph.  Am I really listening the right way?  I've heard so many variations of how to listen to God's voice.  Some say that when you finish praying to sit still and see what God places in your heart through the Holy Spirit.  Others say that God gives you his Word through other believers.  I don't know...maybe in the words of Forrest Gump..."I don't know if momma was right, or if Jenny was right....maybe it's both".  In any event, as I unknowingly titled my last post so many months ago...I'm here....still.

I want better for myself.

I've spent the last dozen years unknowingly not focusing on myself.  So much so that I've somehow corrupted my mind into believing that it's against some natural order to take care of yourself.  I know I know....I'm reminded of the story in the bible where the guy asks Jesus how to inherit the kingdom of heaven...and He replies to Love God with all your heart, mind, body, and soul....and then to Love your Neighbor as Yourself.

{Mind Blown}

Maybe I have spent the last dozen years "focusing" on others and not really loving others.  I mean consider the transitive property in mathematics.  If A=B, and B=C, then A=C.  Maybe not literally, but if I can't honestly say that I have loved myself righteously, then how can I honestly say that I love others, righteously.  It's a conundrum I think, or maybe just my mind being absent of oxygen, do to a lack of sleep that has me perplexed right now.  Either way I know that there is a desire to reset my life and focus/love the right way....absent of selfishness and contractual obligations.  I guess what I'm saying is that I miss the old me.  Sometimes I reread posts from 2004 and 2005 and I smile at that guys.  Partially for his blind ignorance, but also for his inner spiritual drive.  He meant something.  Right now I don't honestly feel that anymore.  I feel like...well...a cog in a wheel that has no purpose.

I'm not really looking for pity either.  I guess it's moreso that series of actions that people take when you wake up in the morning and realize that you didn't finish the beverage you poured yourself before you went to bed.  You look in the cup....realize it's been sitting all night, doing nothing, and now is no longer worth putting or rather keeping inside you...so you walk to the sink...and pour it out.  Today....I'm pouring it out....and hopefully....prayerfully after hearing even a word from God...learn to fill this dwindling life of mine with something new...and refreshing.

So much more to talk about ....just have to find the time.

[Released]