Reflections......

I opened my eyes slowly, almost as a bridge between my prayers and the reality that I live in.  I wasn't sure what to expect, other than the reflection the sadness, guilt, hurt, shame and what often times feels like defeat. But that's not what I saw as they opened and I found myself looking at the glass of my office desk.  There was no reflection.....no broken man looking back at me.  All I saw was the residual tears, sporadically pooled on the glass, almost as a symbol....a reminder....a residual of what is going on inside of me.

I can't recall crying much as a kid, save for those 5-7 years of my child hood where it seemed like someone in my family was dying almost every year.  My uncle, grandmother, grandfather, cousins, friends, classmates....I remember those cries.....that reach the pit of your stomach....almost as a gag reflex.  Those cries were sadness for the loss of someone else...I remember them well even as I sit here this morning reverberating my thoughts back to myself.  

But this cry....this cry is different.  I begin experiencing them in the midst of working to refine salvation...this cry is different.  There are no pains in the pits of my stomach....no feeling of sadness of loss of a loved one.....this cry is personal.

I feel as those these tears are as dire as a baby crying as he or she reaches up for the love of a mother or father.  My tears....I need you God....daily.....in every moment of my life.  I can admit that I lost my relationship with you, and paid for it dearly.  So here I stand...sit.....weep.....beg.....for you to look down on me from high.....and see my hands.  This world...my little part of this world....is in desperate need for Your love....your guidance....your healing.