If Not When, Why Not Now

Morning:

I've been contimplating creating this post for the last three days. Ironically everytime I get to the title "If Not When, Why Not Now", I somehow never get to writing the post. Well, it's now thursday morning. I have an instate job to survey this morning, so I'll be outta here around 9:00am. But in the mean time, I figure I'll go into one of my modes about the direction my life is headed.

I came up with the idea of "If Not When, Why Not Now" due to the fact that I can trully feel God churning inside of me. Which has been something that I haven't felt this strong in my entire life. The things that I do in life that I know are sins (lying [no matter what level], envy, jealousy, etc....), are things that I know longer have the desire to do. Funny huh, to hear someone say that they "have a desire to sin"....but is it a wrong statement on any level. Think about it for a second. People may not want to lie, or steal, or be jealous, but desire is still in them...cause if it wasn't they would never do it. Back to my story....

Ironically, it seems like as I start my climb up the slopes of righteousness, I feel like around every bend there is someone/something, there to try and slow down the progress of God's Will. Whether it be a woman, who is only here because she see's potential in me, and because she "thinks the sex would be good" (yeah, those were her exact words). I'm like dang, have we reached that level in our society now? Or whether it be financially, like the bank deciding they want to take 150.00 out of my account for no true reason. Or whether it be KSU who decides that my grant for grad school has not come in and won't until the end of september, so I have to pay out of pocket now......

Whatever it may be, I won't/can't let it knock me off the path. I use to just take the punches and try to hold my balance, but I can't/won't do that anymore. I'm at the point where I'm going to fight back. Not physically, but mentally....I've learned that we can overcome our fears and adversaries easier mentally, than physically. So I am reverting back to the thing that has gotten me this far (the Word) and I shall carry on my shoulders the key ingredient I feel is needed in order for me to get to that next level in His eyes and not the world's eyes.

"When I was a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put aside those childish things"

I must have more out of life.....more peace of mind, more joy, more happiness, more health, more wealth, more caring, more humbleness.....and above and beyong all....more Him (the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spirit). Because He is.....my peace of mind, my joy, my happiness, my health, my wealth, my caring, my humbleness....so I seek more of Him in seeking all of these other things...they become the 'new' desires of mine own heart. I am at the point where I can feel Him inside me, where I can feel him using His tools to fix me, to mold me, to create Him....in me. Adam couldn't sustain living without Him inside, and look what happened to Adam....so how can I explain to anyone that I can live without Him inside me. So I ask Him to dwell within me, within my very soul, so that it may illuminate not only my innerself, but that it brighten the souls of all that I come in contact with, speak with, walk with, and abide with.

I'm tired of struggling, not just in this blind state of mind, but tired of struggling within my soul. And I have since found out that He is my refuge, He is my calm to calm all disarray, my wind to sooth all tiredness.....He is my Air, so I ask the Lord, to live within me... with every breathe that I take....and with each breathe of spoken word that transpires out of my soul.... that You mold it into Your words, so that when spoken, the world no longer hears me....they no longer hear bitterness & saddness.....they hear You...see You...and feel You, not only living within me, but becoming a breathe of fresh air upon the fruits of the Word.


Thank You God